Worrying about…

Two weeks have already gone by and it is time for another round of our Sisterhood Stories. I don’t quite understand how it happened, but I really don’t know where these two weeks vanished to. I guess it is because I have been a little pre-occupied with… well, I guess worrying. First I received the oh so wonderful news that even after four weeks of antibiotics morning and evening, including during our vacation on Bonaire, lyme disease is still present in my body. While right now I am still lucky and no big signs of it are showing (anymore), except for a bit of tiredness, that could and will most likely change when the disease is progressing. I am worrying, but still hoping to prevent that. The next appointment this time with an ID (infectious disease) specialist was available next week, until then – waiting and worrying.

Squirrel, iPhoneThen, last week I went for my mammogram. It was actually my first one and I have to say: Don’t believe everything you hear or read on the internet. I perceived it a lot less uncomfortable than I had expected. There is so much talk about how it is hurting, but the truth is, we are all different and we all experience, feel pain differently. To me it was merely uncomfortable and really, it only lasted a few seconds anyhow. No big deal, especially if it saves your girls or even your life. But what follows the actual mammography, I can deal with a lot less relaxed. Waiting. Three to five days and then your doc(s) will get the results. And after that you will. Or so is the plan. Because in my case I got a call from the hospital on Monday already. ‘Ohh, Ms. Willison, the doctor would like you to come back to do an additional ultrasound. There is something in your right breast they need to check out’.

What?! Immediately the big ‘worry-machinery’ that we all carry in us kicked in. Working overtime. What if – I had gone a year earlier? What  if – this is of the bad kind? What if – I am going to loose …? Or even worse? What. If…. Waiting and worrying.

I am sure I am not alone in playing the ‘what-if-game’ to excess. I am really afraid of cancer. And I absolutely, seriously admire all the women and men who have and/or are fighting it. You are so very strong. You all have my utmost respect.

To cut this post short and not to bore you, I was lucky. I did not have to wait long for an appointment, but got to go back to the hospital yesterday. Where they actually also re-did the mammogram. And – as a photographer – I immediately saw the one, maybe two little spots that caused the doctors to request me to come back. After a short wait the ultrasound was also done and then I had to wait again. The technician was showing the results to the doctor on duty. And apparently they were of the opinion that the spots are nothing to worry about right now. But they need to be watched. Meaning I will have to go for a follow up in six months to see if anything changed. But for now, I am good.

After too much of ‘what-if’ and worrying, I felt like quite a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I just wanted to enjoy the fresh, spring like weather and to take photos. But nature does still not look very photogenic around here. Still I went for a little walk in Morristown, grabbed a Hazelnut Macchiato at Starbucks and then sat in the park. Listening to nature, the traffic and watching people walking by, some birds and the ever curious (or hungry?) squirrels. Honestly, I would have preferred the beach and the ocean, but you take what you can get, right?! It feels good to be alive.

All photos below were all taken yesterday and edited with my iPhone only.

And now on to the round in our Sisterhood Stories circles, please check out Kay Maguire Photography post today.

 

p.s. I may have seemed a little pre-occupied to some people who know me a little better, which is why I chose to write about these pretty personal issues here in this post. Generally I am a pretty positive person, but it sure does good to talk about things at times. Therefore I honestly thank you for being here, reading, listening and checking out my latest photos!

 

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church, morristown, iphone

trees, sky, iphone tree, roots, iphone

roots, iphone

light, trees, iphone

 

18 thoughts on “Worrying about…”

  1. Gosh Claudia – cancer is sooo scary- and I’m so pleased it’s nothing to worry about and that you’ll be back for checking. I don’t blame you at all for worrying – as for the Lyme disease, gosh that’s another nasty – and so many don’t realise how easy it is to pick up. Make sure you take plenty of rest – and try not to worry – it will eventually go with the right care and treatment – xxxx

    Reply
    • Thank you, Boo. I am almost a bit sorry that I poured it all out in my post here, but it sure felt good to just write it down. And a (personal) blog is kind of a journal, right? Cancer is the really known scary one, but Lyme can really develop into something really bad, too. Yes, and very easy to pick up, especially if you are a photographer and like to go into the woods and tall grass to get the perfect shot, which is how I most likely got it. So, you better watch out on your beautiful shots, Boo.

      Reply
  2. Claudia, I’m so sorry you’ve had so much to worry about. At least they are aware now and will be keeping an eye on you! Its a double whammy though with being diagnosed with Lyme disease as well, but lucky to have it diagnosed so you can get treatment! Look after youself, lots of rest and relaxation xx

    Reply
    • Thank you very much, Kay. You nailed it pretty well how I feel at times. But I also keep reminding myself that there are many, many poor souls who are much worse off than I am. Still – I am starting to allowing myself emotions and being a bit more open with them, which is fairly new and unusual for me. The things a bit of blogging does to you 🙂

      Reply
  3. Oh Claudia, my heart dropped. I know things will get better for you. Be sure to take care of YOU. Glad to hear that the diagnosis from the ultra sound came back good! As for the lyme disease, I am sure you can kick that. Smooches!

    Reply
  4. Thank you Claudia for sharing such personal thoughts and anxieties. Moments like this really do bring everything back into focus and your images are very grounding. I hope you continue to see the positive in everything around you, I wish you lots of luck and hope life takes a turn for the better. Sending you warm wishes xxx

    Reply
    • So true. For a while it seems like everything centers around the one (or two) thing, almost without realizing, definitely without wanting to. It was such a good feeling just sitting there in the park and observing. Thank you so much, Sue 🙂

      Reply
  5. You had a lot to worry about! I’m so glad to hear at least one source of worry has been cleared, let’s hope you can get fast and decisive treatment on the Lyme disease, it’s an insidious one. But even if I tend to over think and worry too much myself, I’m always the positive one and I’m sure things will turn out for the better for you xox

    Reply
    • Thank you, Isabelle. While I usually do not over think things (I’ve got hubby for that ;)) or worry too much, it just gets to a point when all together is a little bit much and then something needs to happen or I need to talk about it or… I am now back to being my ‘normal self’ and looking at things positively again.

      Reply
  6. Hey, even the most happiest of people are still people. It is nice that you feel comfortable enough to let out your emotions. It is very brave of you.
    By the way I really liked your photographs you posted today.

    Reply
    • Thanks for the reminder, Lady Lilith! It is true, we all are – happy or sad. And it is all a matter of how you deal with your emotions. I am very good at hiding them a lot, I have a family history of that (if any of my family read this – no accusation, just observation :)) But people change and so do I. Most likely I will not post too much personal stuff on here, however it feels comfortable enough here in my own virtual world for the occasional ‘outburst’.
      Thank you for your compliment on the photos. Real simple iPhone only shots and edits, (almost) pure and simple.

      Reply
  7. Claudia I am late reading my normal blogs this week, I wish you could have seen my face when I started reading yours. It was like you were telling my story for me. I want to first say heck yes I am so happy they gave you good news, I know waiting six months to follow up may not seem good but it is. I say that with love because I have walked in your shoes, the waiting is awful I know but better then if they saw something that needed further testing right now. I agree with you about getting out there and letting nature take some of that stress away! I will keep your health in my prayers & even though we may never meet in person know you have a friend who is sending love your way! I made it pasted my scare without needing a biopsy so I made a deal with myself for now I am letting it go & enjoying my beautiful life. Whatever may come down the road we can deal with it then, for now we have pictures to take & love to share:) I so enjoyed your images this week and agree it’ feels good to be alive girlfriend!

    Reply
    • Thank you so much, Jessica. I am very glad that you, too, got the good news! And yes, it is going to be the same thing all over again in 6 months or a year and then every year, but for as long as we are here, we are to enjoy it. The deal you made with yourself is the best one! And I am right there with you. There is no point in worrying all the time and in the meantime forgetting how beautiful life can be. I believe we will all have moments when the worries get too much and we need an outlet, be it nature, writing, painting or blogging. Believe it or not, I find that my virtual friendships are very real to me and I treasure them a lot. So, thank you for yours – and you never know, we might meet one day after all! 🙂

      Reply
  8. oh my heart – my friend – you had me scared there for a moment!! having just gone through cancer scare with my mom, I am still like an open wound at the mention of that dreaded word! damn cancer!
    but thank goodness that all is okay. hopefully that pesky lyme disease will take off soon too.
    Love those gnarly twisted tree roots. I just love trees. And clouds – as you know. And if I can have both in a shot, it’s just about perfect. cute critters are just a bonus. 🙂

    Reply
    • Yeah, that is kind of the feeling that I have about cancer since my dad got diagnosed with it 20 years ago… one day – they will find a cure…
      Roots & clouds & critters – sounds all very good to me!

      Reply
  9. Claudia thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, its brave and it brings us all closer together. I am so sorry about your health scares, but I am sure that your positivity and strength will bring you through. Look after yourself.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Jill, for reading my thoughts and leaving me a note. Thank God the health scares are gone, at least until the next check up in six months, but like you say, staying positive in everything we do, certainly helps along the way.

      Reply

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